lately i've been staying up past my bedtime. i've never really been a night owl. i usually go to bed early and wake up early. ever since i started school, my body has naturally been waking up at 8:00 am. i try to embrace it. getting my day started early helps me be more productive. it also helps me with my procrastination. but lets be real, i'm a procrastinator fo' life!
if you would ask the people close to me how often do i sleep, they would probably tell you that i sleep all the time. there's some truth to that. i do sleep a lot. but what most don't know is that it's never peaceful. i remember downloading this app that tracks your sleep cycle and movements. according to the app, i moved on an average of 500 times! can you believe that?! what could possibly be going on in my head? what am i dreaming about.
it's been a little over a year since i started sleeping with the light on. this isn't something that i usually talk about because i feel like no on really understands what i'm going through. sometimes i have "triggering" thoughts that are usually louder than the ones that bring me peace. these thoughts usually only come out at night. i'm not sure why that is. i don't try to control them, i just allow them to happen. eventually, they'll leave. but not doing anything might be part of the problem.
when i take my glasses off, i look extremely tired. that's because i am. when i say "i'm tired" around people who know me, they'll usually say something like, "you're always tired", "you just took a nap", "you woke up late, how are you still tired?", or "you're just lazy." i go along with it. i play along with the idea that i'm just lazy which causes me to want to sleep all day. i don't let them know that the nightmares keep me from wanting to close my eyes, so i don't get much sleep. i don't let them know that certain cause me to burst out in tears, so i
if i could describe myself in one word it would be, exhausted. every part of my being is just... exhausted. i think this thing called life is started to get to me. the more i realized and acknowledge myself as a human being, the more i reject certain things that try to stop me from being that. this slave-life society is driving me crazy. i try to focus my energy into other things, but would could possible need my attention more than my own person freedom? (question of the day)
i work so hard at trying to keep my mental peace, but honestly, it's one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i escape in the same mind that traps me. and i'm not even sure if writing is doing more huring than healing. i'll probably wake up feeling... exhausted. that's what usually happens after i write. i let it all out on paper then sit back and think about everything.
i think a part of me enjoys being sad. i have mastered hiding my sadness. the only way you'll know i'm sad is if i tell you. i also use my attitude as a coping mechanism. i would rather you think i have an attitude than to think i was sad. my family calls it, "being in one of my moods."
this probably doen't make any sense. but i am under no obligation to make sense to anyone.